****Fri 8-16-91: Jesus appeared to me with outstretched hands saying, “Give me your pain and agony, I have already paid the price.” As I handed Him my pain, immediately, peace beyond all understanding flooded my spirit, mind & body. Christ had delivered me.
Blood was like acid
Death – Penalty – Hell – Torment – Torture – Pain – Agony
Crucifixion – Welcome – Relief
Resurrection – Renew
The sin must die (old nature) It has no place within a Godly Mind…You do not have to take it to hell, Christ has already been there for you, just put it in his hands, release it forever… Christ died in the garden – the cross was a welcome relief – he had no choice but to take that sin to hell****

As I look back today, I understand that my interpretations of what I saw that day were sifted through years of religious teachings. However the vision itself and what it did for me that day was life saving… literally. I had my hand on the car door handle and was contemplating opening the door and just falling out. I figured that at the speed that Ross was driving that it would probably kill me and that was what I was counting on. To discount my religious ideas as being unimportant would be ludicrous, as Jesus has to communicate with us on the level that we are thinking so that we will accept what He is trying to tell us. How we accept it at that moment does not necessarily matter, the point is that we must recognize him for Who He Is and put our faith in him as our salvation at that moment, and this is exactly what I did.

As I remember the vision today, I can still hear his voice asking, “Give me your pain and agony, I have already paid the price.” His price being that he has conquered death, hell and the grave by recognizing their non-existence. By my handing him the pain of my heart, I witnessed it’s disappearance as he showed me a vision of a giant vat of acid in which he dropped my pain into. It made no difference whether I assumed the acid was his blood or not, the message of his vision was that I was torturing myself over something that didn’t exist, and seeing this was my salvation. Jesus understands the fact that we need to use the world’s symbols, without regarding them as real, knowing our reality is outside them. My notes, as sketchy as they are, still reveal some remarkable truths, even though I saw them from a slightly different point of view. ‘The sin must die (old nature) It has no place within a Godly Mind’ What a remarkable statement, recognizing that sin has no place within a Godly Mind! Using this world’s symbols, Christ had his garden experience and has lived through hell, now he is extending His Hands to us to show us the way of Freedom!

I do know that all of this comes from the fact that I have been unable to reach the closeness of My Father that I desire so much. In all of my life I have only had moments, here and there that I have felt that I have experienced His Presence, and in those moments I want nothing else, and feel such a sense of lose when that moment is over. So my judgment of myself is based on false information. That makes me feel somewhat better. But these times when I do not feel His Presence I feel so lost and alone and I hate that feeling!

Those crazy thoughts of someone ruling over me come from my lack of understanding because I still can’t really get a grasp on what You refer to as ‘Oneness’. I seem to have this KNOWING that lacks experience. If I am one with You then that doesn’t seem like it could be possible that You are ‘ruling’ over me or judging me, right? So my ideas of the ‘old religious god’ are still bleeding through, so to speak. How could I have been so stupid to not realize those old thoughts were still lurking around. Of course they are, my ego is fighting with all it has to keep me in this hellish state of mind. I know better than this. Forgive me Father, and yet I know that You already have, as a matter of fact You don’t even recognize my foolish thoughts, they are nothing to You. For this I am ever grateful!

Thanks, My Precious Father, I am so glad that You always allow me to talk things out with You. And I never fear that You are judging me. Father please correct my thinking. I bring my old thoughts to You once again for Your cleansing. You alone have the power to change those forces and put them in line with Your Thoughts. Please allow me to REMEMBER You as You are and as I am in Oneness.

This gets me, yesterday morning I was so filled with Your Revelation that I was falling out of my chair because my body couldn’t contain it all and this morning I’m questioning my whole existence. But yet it makes perfect sense doesn’t it. After I ‘came back to myself’ I hated it. Comparing this world to Your Presence made me ‘physically’ sick. How very interesting. Amazing how just asking for Your Help changes Who I am instantly. Thank You Father!

Those mistaken ideas are fading from my memory now as I stand still in Your Silence and listen. I hear You.

The vision that I am seeing is of a cave, inside a mountain that I have wandered into. The cave appears empty and I am standing alone in silence, peaceful silence; safe, warm, and secure, in Your Silence. I see no ‘physical’ light but yet I see. Although there is no ‘physical’ light, it is not dark. It is quiet and yet I hear, actually, ‘know’ would be a better term of description than hear as what I am experiencing has nothing to do with eyes nor ears, only peace and stillness. More a state of mind than an experience.

Holy Father I want nothing but Your Presence and I am not afraid of being absorbed into You as I find that I want nothing more. I keep trying to say that I ‘feel’ safe here, but that is not correct, for I do not ‘feel’ at all, I am just aware of the absence of any fear, very unlike what I thought that I needed, as I was expecting a ‘human like’ feeling of being protected, which is what I described at first, but that was incorrect, Your Presence erases the need that I have felt, for what I have called Your Safe Harbor. In error I have imagined that I would ‘feel’ safe here, but I can’t say that I feel, at all, I just know that here, there is no need for safety for there is no fear. As far as feeling, I am aware that feeling as I have known it, is a human response to human ideas based on a ‘physical life that I have believed in, or that I have given power to hurt me, therefore the presence of fear came into ‘physical’ matter at my request, so to speak. But this is not real, nor is it necessary, for nothing fearful exists.

Father I surrender my thoughts to You, as I realize that there is no reason for ‘me’ to think. I wish to know, what You know, not necessarily what You are thinking, as that would require an action on Your Part, and I sense no moving force which would produce action. What I have always thought of as being Your Thoughts is just this indescribable silent knowing. A peace that almost doesn’t require breathing, although, I have always described Your Holy Spirit as the Breathe of Life, I know now that this description came from my human understanding of the force of life as I have understood it from a physical point of view, which is so very limited. There are really no words to describe Your Presence. Words like stillness, silence, peace… all seem so shallow as I sit so still, just barely breathing.

Is there a reason to leave here? Yet my silly human mind tries desperately to ‘think’ of what could be happening outside the cave. And my silly consciousness pulls me back once again into my useless physical form.

As disappointed as I am to open my eyes in the ‘safety’ of my office, I have a new realization of who I am, and I understand just a tiny bit more of Who My God Is. I understand just a little bit more of how foolish my silly life, lead by fear, has been. And the security of that cave, that awesome presence without feeling, is more real to me than it has ever been before. For this, once again, I am thankful. So funny, those words of thankfulness that I have become so used to saying over and over again seem so unnecessary right now, for which I have no explanation, I am only trying to put into words an experience that can not be described.”

Look at the many religions that I have produced, trying desperately to find the truth. There are so many that I can’t even remember them all. And I leave them here to carry on their work as I complete a life cycle, die, and are reborn again, expecting them to have the answers in my next life.

Country after country, leader after leader is produced and given the impossible job of creating peace, which always seems to end up in war.

And what of the savior that I have chosen for myself in this lifetime? As a 13 year old I made the decision that this god-man called Jesus must have the power to save me and so he has been my friend and big brother for many years. At times, he has been my only comfort. And now who is he? I find that that presence that I have always referred to as My Father’s Holy Spirit is using my Jesus to represent Himself to me as this was my choice, and my comfort. So then the question comes to my mind, If Jesus is representing the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is representing My Father…then who is my Father representing? Obviously our God is not our father as we identify a father to be, so the term is being used for my ‘comfort’ also.

I know that I asked for this information to be given to me in the best way that I was capable of understanding it and I thank You for this, but I will admit that I feel a little frightened and alone. I hate this feeling of fear of the unknown but the Truth seems to be as frightening or maybe even more frightening than what is unknown to me. Not that I want you to stop showing me these things, I want to go further into Your Mind as soon and as much as I can comprehend. And for the moment I will still call you Jesus as long as that is ok because I seem to be looking for an anchor to hold me and a safe port to dock. It’s no wonder that I have created so many others, but why is the feeling of aloneness so frightening? Oh, I know, it’s symbolic of the separation from You that I feel. But Father, I need to ‘feel’ or KNOW Your Oneness, that is my anchor and my safe port. So how can I give up my illusion, which as stupid as it seems, makes me feel that I am not alone, without replacing it with Your Love which I am so desperate to feel? But when I think about this world, it’s only a bunch of noise and all or most of it seems to aggravate me… so that is why You say that Your Peace is in Your Silence. Hmmmm….

In My World I have created sickness and death, failure, poverty and fear, all of which will prove that I am unworthy of My Father’s Love. My guilt will surely prove the existence of a god of judgment and punishment and will surely prove that the god that I serve requires blood sacrifice for my redemption as he cannot look upon my sinful nature. But I know now that this is not true and I forgive myself for ever accepting such a false idea about My Father. I know now that In My Father’s World there is no such thing as sickness and death. I know now that My Father is not to be feared for fear does not exist. I have built a world of fear which keeps me isolated from the Truth of My God, but I know now that My God is a God of Love who knows no fear, and I as His Child, know no fear for I am also Love.

I have become lost within a world that is only a curious compilation of my own thoughts. Thoughts built to show my unworthiness. Built to protect me from a merciless god of my own making; a god a fear which is ready to punish me with eternal flame and banishment if I do not find myself a savior to take my place, to be punished for me to satisfy the blood lust of this tyrannical creature that I have bowed down to as my idol. But now I know that this is not true. I have no prison with which I have been confined, nor hell to keep me separated from love. My thoughts of being a separate being from My Father are false and I have laid them down and walked away. My journey is at an end and this world of torture is disappearing, moment by moment.

I thank You My Father for that Holy Bridge that was extended to me for my escape and safe return within Your Thoughts as I leave my erroneous thinking behind and join once again Your World of Joy and Peace of which I never left nor was asked to leave.

Every thought that I have ever had about myself and others is wrong.
The Only Truth is the Love of God.

From that unity, that oneness, came the unmistakable Voice of the Living God in the language of every man for his individual understanding, with the explanation that they were not individuals, but that all were one. From one came another, and then another, and then another… One became 12, which became 120, which became 3,000, which became one.

Thus the Holy Spirit using this perceived world of separation as our classroom for our journey home.

Being born again, brand new, no past. Today is now. Tomorrow is now.

We have a lot of published ‘History’ that should never have been written. Those lessons were either learned or not but are forever gone now and should be forgotten. And what would our purpose be for keeping such a record? Judgment. Humanity has a desperate need to know, to analyze, and categorize each other. To play god. That is our only purpose for keeping ‘records’.

You allowed us to believe that you were crucified as it gave us the sense of knowing and seeing you as the Son of God. This was the only thing that we were able to accept at this time. Not the truth but an illusion, a form of the truth which allows us to see you as being a bridge to Our Father. You even referred to God as your Father which allowed us to accept Him without fear. This was a giant step forward from the belief in sacrificing animals for our salvation, even though that had been a giant step of belief in their time.

It is time to move on again and the concept of a dream world has been introduced.

I want so to understand what is Truth but as You say, I am incapable of accepting what is true, I am still only capable of seeing You in symbolic stories and illusive dreams, and forced to believe in these symbols, one step at a time, as I lay one down and move forward to the next. What I feel that I am experiencing is not a dream but it has been all that I am able to accept, and although I have only been aware of the belief in the dream state for a short time, I find myself very unsatisfied and long to move on to a deeper understanding.

It seems that believing in symbols would be harmful but God is Who and What He is and what I believe Him to be is not going to change Him in any way regardless. However I see Him, symbolically, is my truth for this moment and cannot change what God is or who we are in any way. We accept as much as we allow ourselves to accept and then we wait until we are ready to move forward again.

Dreaming? No I am not asleep. I do need to wake up from something, but what it is I do not know yet. This should be ok with me but it’s not. This state of being has no security, I have a need to KNOW Who and What God is and Who I am. This driving force keeps me in a state of unrest. I know everyone keeps talking about following the peace but for some reason that has never worked for me. I am always pushing…pushing…searching for more…never satisfied, and I feel as if I never will be satisfied until I fully understand, or at least understand more than I understand now. Always needing to know more.

But yet I feel that this is good. I have come from believing in a Hebrew God of vengeance, to believing that God’s Only Begotten Son was crucified for my sin, to believing that I have not sinned, I have just mistakenly chosen this dreamlike state in which I need to be awakened in order to remember my original beginnings. All of these beliefs, symbolical though they may be, are relatively safe as each leads me further toward accepting Truth. Basically because I never quite buy them as being completely true which keeps me constantly seeking.

So as I see pictures of Jesus on the cross, I understand the need to believe and find security in that belief, I’ve been there. I remember how desperate I was to have a savior that I could believe could rescue me from the state that I was in and of course from the ever present belief in the hell fire and damnation that I had heard so many preachers screaming about. For that belief in Jesus as my savior, I am thankful.

Then to understand that the belief in sin was man’s idea not God’s took me even a step further, which I desperately needed to finally relieve myself of guilt. For this belief I am thankful. But now it’s time to move forward again, knowing that the next step is not my final destination, not even close, but that’s ok, I’ll get there, I don’t know when, but I’ll get there. The Kingdom of God is not going anywhere.

You have never hidden Yourself from me, although I feel that You have. You always answer my questions even though I don’t always hear them. You have never left me, although sometimes I feel very alone. You have never let me go, although I have tried my best to run and hide from You at times. It is not possible for We are One.

My answers are always within You, within me. You are constantly speaking to me, but sometimes I do not want to hear, therefore I do not. Sometimes Your language is foreign to me, as if I were alien, therefore I cannot understanding. But of course I will always blame You for not answering me, withholding information critical to my success. But that is not so, it is impossible, as every answer is within You, as I am within You.

You of course, are never the problem, You are always the answer. I may not always hear as I have hidden myself in fear…of your answer…of your wrath…

But that is not true, for there is no wrath in You. You have no desire to punish me as I have imagined, for You do not recognize punishment as an option, that is only what I have imaged, You give only love. No variation, only love, anything else that I imagine of You is just that, what I have imagined.

My fear of You is just that, my fear. It has no basis, it is not of You. Any sin that I imagine that I have done is just that, my imagined sin, with no basis to it. I have tried to give it power over me, to rule my life, but You have not allowed it, there is no sin in You, therefore, there is no sin in me. That is how You see it, that is how it is. There is only love, nothing more, nothing less. And yet Your Love is still beyond my understanding. What I know to be the definition of love requires sacrifice, but You do not know of sacrifice, Your Love requires no sacrifice. Our best description of Your type of love is what we refer to as unconditional, but yet that is so shallow a definition. We cannot comprehend what we do not remember knowing. But yet I do know.

For now to understand that I am the one that has been hiding is a very big step, for which I am very thankful, but my longing to know Your Love is my life’s blood and I will never stop searching, digging and scratching, trying to remember what I feel that I have lost. And yet Your Whispers are always, “Relax.”

I am looking for something that isn’t lost, I have merely buried it, for another time, as if I recognized the value of the treasure but yet was afraid to spend it or even reveal it for fear that I would be robbed, that it would be taken away. Concealed away, as if I had stolen it, as if I had no right to such a treasure, but yet I have still hidden it away for myself…for another time. A time when I might be worthy. But yet You do not recognize my definition of worthy, as You have no need to count me worthy as You have never seen me as unworthy. For this knowing I give my life. Not as a sacrifice, for that is not needed, I release this life in which I see myself and walk away. Leave it as the empty tomb that it is, discarded as a memory, a memory of a nightmare of what never was.

I may not recognize that what I ‘see’ as being the roof of my house is my feeble attempt at ‘seeing’ Your Protective Covering. I may not recognize that these walls that I see are symbolic to me of what I understand to be Your Most Holy Place. I may not know that what I see through my natural eyes as being my car is just a faint shadow of the means by which I travel from one realm to another. It saddens me to think that I see and hear You based on what I am able to comprehend without fear.

My Father, I need to see myself through Your Eyes, to overlook what I feel to be my short comings and move forward without fear. You did not create me with fear, any thoughts of fear are my own thoughts and they are in error. I ask You now to gently lead me into Your Light that I may see You as You Are. I find such comfort in the fact that I know that it is okay with You that I do not see You clearly because You know that the day will come when I have no more fear.